Monday, February 6, 2012

25 Years Young (postinwhichirefertomyselfbynametothepointofdiscomfort)

I knew that if I wanted anyone to be interested in my blog, I'd have to write more than just an introduction - and fast! But what to write about first? I have so many ideas in my head but not alot of details to attach to them - at least not enough for an entire post. So in order to step away from all distraction and try to come up with a solid concept for this first post, I decided to take a nice long bath. I holed up in the bathroom with my Inner Calm bath-salts (made by my beloved Forrest), some baby shampoo bubbles and a nice soy candle. Had anyone snuck a peep at me, I imagine I would have looked quite bizarre as I spent a good portion of my bath time sloshing and rolling about in the tub. Before you get any unsavory ideas, I assure you that it was only my way of fidgeting for the purpose of concentration. Like a child at play, I slide down the back of the tub - using the soapy bubbles to help me go from sitting upright to laying on my back with stretched out in midair in one smooth movement....sloshing on my bottom from side to side...and even rolling over onto my belly to look into the water - gazing at my distorted reflection. Again I say, quite bizarre. But natural. I allowed myself to relax and let my body do as it willed as I let my mind search for the topic I needed. As I lay there and blew bubbles in this innocent manner, I suddenly got the giggles. I realized how odd and childish my behavior was and that was just how I needed to be right then. THAT was my topic. Tonight, for a time, I was a 25 year old child. I put away stress and anxiety, my responsibilities and I just let myself

I imagine there will be an even divide of what people think when reading that. Group A will smile at the sweet notion of an adult letting go from time to time and experiencing life/the world as a child would for a moment. Group B will scoff at that same notion - saying that at 25, it is beyond time to take responsibility and be an adult at all times. 'Childhood belongs only to one's (future or present) offspring.' I, however, like to call myself a moderate. Everything in moderation. Have I achieved that fully in every area of my life? No....but its a continual process. I'm trying to work towards that happy medium in life where I take care of me and mine as an adult but never lose my child-like wonder or joy for life, never stop having fun or being myself. I look at this blog as a way to finally get out my voice. It may not be YOUR voice or even a voice that you want to hear, but it is MY voice. That's the whole point of it.... so let me exercise that voice for a little bit....let me tell you about myself, my life. I'm a train wreck. I have gone through more hell in the last few years as a young adult than many people go through in a lifetime. I have had to make tough tough tough decisions - decisions that might have led a weaker woman to stare down a loaded barrel. I have had to say goodbye to pieces of my very self, to have most of my life and almost all that was dear ripped away from me. My entire life was turned upside down. Some of it was my fault, some not. Some of it was being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Either way, it happened. Its still happening. But even though there are fires still burning, still unreached by the saving hydrant....I am attempting every day to dig through the rubble and start over with my life. I've learned so much and some days I'm not sure what to do with that. I've seen things about the world that no young woman should ever have to deal with or know about, yet I still stand. It has hardened my heart. I look in the mirror now and barely recognize myself. Head to toe, I have changed. Some of that was from weight fluctuation *ahem* but alot of it was from hard living. The poison from the depths of my very being has finally seeped out - finally revealed itself to anyone who cares enough to look twice at me. Despite all of this, I am not broken. Life has not defeated me. The monsters of my past have not won. Nor will they ever. So with everything learned, I must take those lessons and apply them to my life. I have to grow as a person - as an adult and be stronger, smarter. I have to press forward and try to right some of the wrongs.... I have to be a big girl, basically. I need to be able to take care of myself, of Liam, of Forrest. I can't depend on others forever. No one can.

So that should satisfy Group B - I am not suggesting that everyone quit their jobs to go chase butterflies through fields of dandelions everyday. But, for Group A, let me continue....Even though I am learning that I have alot of growing up to do now, I also realize (through looking back on everything that has happened) that I need to revert back to my child-like state from time to time. I have lost myself. Even as a teenager, I had a strong sense of individualism. And its odd...back then and all throughout college, people always accused me of being a goth or a witch etc. I was just Audrey. I wore the only clothing I had (alot of hand-me-downs) and was homeschooled so I spent most of my time holed up in my room, drawing and writing and reading and singing. I lived in this beautiful imaginary world that fit perfectly inside my tiny little room and I was content to spend my days there, using my hands to create the things I encountered in my imagination. Conformity didn't matter. As soon as I came of age and went off to college, that all changed. I no longer had time for all of the things that I was good at, for my fantasy world. I was a slave to this career that so far doesn't exist for me. I was a slave to the ideals of everyone around me - who they thought I should be, what they thought I should do. Or more importantly - who they thought I shouldn't be and what they thought I shouldn't do! And that is when I started to lose myself. Sure, I rebelled a little - but clearly, not enough or not they way I should have. Instead of using my small freedoms to hone my creative skills, I spent it trying to fit in with all the wrong people or make all the wrong type of guys love me. Make any guy love me. But how can you expect someone to love you when you don't love yourself? When you don't even know yourself anymore? Who was I? Even though I started embracing the darker things in life - the things I had naturally been attracted to, letting out the gothic side of myself that I had always been accused of (Goths must have a scent - even in my Grandmother's toss-outs, they had me pegged), I was still trapped in the small box that had been built by my parents, peers, and the religious college to cage me. I had no room to breathe because I was meant to be a sheep, following without question, every oppressive guideline set before me. No one should enter adulthood with that many "Thou shalt not"s. It will either crush their spirit into submission or force them to rebel. For me, it was both. Over time, I came to forget how to create - how to imagine. I had every excuse in the book not to be myself. There was always someone who wouldn't approve...... I lost my individualism, my creativity, my soul. I started making crucial mistakes with my life and  the everytime that my heart was broken again, I had new excuses to let myself go a little let one more piece die.

I'm done. I will own up to my mistakes, my faults and I will try to change. I will put on my big girl panties and I will fight every day to be more of an adult - to be independent and to take care of my son. To make sure that he has a better life and grows up to respect me and learn from my mistakes. But as an adult, I have the right to take a stand against every person or organization in my life that has tried to bring me down or control me. I don't have to listen or obey anymore. You want me to be an adult? Well, there is two sides to that coin! And as an adult, I can choose to be a child - in moderation. To just be Audrey. I am not a mindless drone, I am an individual. I like what I like, I think what I think, and I will do as I please. I am not a slave to religion anymore. I am not a slave to a school or business....I am especially not a slave to any individual. I am going to start expressing myself! I will finally stop making excuses not to mold my outside to fit how I feel on the inside - to who I really am. I will learn to stand up for myself verbally and physically so that I am never again a victim! I will not be afraid to be myself....I will create and inspire, not cower. I will enjoy life. I will splash around like an idiot in my bath tub - maybe after a hard day's work, but I will still do so from time to time. I am doing this for myself and for my son. Maybe it will be my legacy. I may not have been able to go out and fulfill my dreams because I spent too much time trying to fulfill the dreams that I was told to have. But now I will the life I have left to the fullest and be true to myself. Goth? Yes. Witch? Maybe! ha But definitely Audrey.

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