Friday, March 30, 2012

Being THAT girl....

When I created this blog, I had so many ideas for posts...and I still have been bouncing around a few ideas but have lacked the motivation to sit down and write (partly out of depression but mostly out of wasting all of my time on tumblr! ha)....Well, in order to make up for my lack of posts...I am going to ATTEMPT to publish two posts tonight and hopefully get all of the points across that I originally intended for these subjects. Hope the topics aren't too dull! If not, read on and enjoy!

This first subject is something that I constantly struggle with....and from what I can tell, I am not alone. Not sure the best way to sum it up other than to call the problem "Wanting to be THAT girl!" Let me explain...I don't get out of the house much...I live in a small college town with my boyfriend...I moved here, away from my friends (and even further from my family) to be with him. I have no friends here. I have no job here (STILL trying desperately to find one) and I have finished college, so I can't socialize that way. Not only am I lacking normal socialization and diversion, but the lack of activity is not helping with my health/weight issues. Basically, I sit in the house like a fat lump and can't afford to go out and about nor do I have reason to do so.....This makes for a horrible emotional state. Which has led me to go internet crazy... on the nights that Forrest works, I spend at least six or more hours of his 8-12 hour shifts online. Mainly on Tumblr and Facebook. Which means, I sit around looking at things that I want but can't afford and admiring (and sometimes attempting communication with) people that are far pretty than me or seem to be cooler/have a better life. Tumblr famous people (if you have a tumblr, I'm sure you can think of a few such people but there are many).... I look at their awesome clothing and think how I wish I could look that fabulous every I wish I could even fit in such I can't afford to buy newer gothy clothing or even make most of it.... how I wish I knew how to put on makeup as well as they did or afford the products to do maybe if I could dye my hair that color (green is the current obsession for me) or get more tattoos and piercings how I could be as cool or pretty as this person or that person.... and that people would actually want to talk to me. I have no desire to become one of the Goth Tumblr Elite by any means (!!) but it would be nice if people actually gave two shits about talking to me...or even responding to my attempts to be friendly. There have been a few nice people who actually bother to talk to me...but I'm not edgy or self-absorbed enough for the rest as it seems. But this is besides the point... Let me come back around to say again that I compare myself to these Super Goths and don't feel like I measure up. I tell myself every night that I need to be thinner, edgier, and have an inexhaustible budget for clothing, accessories, and tattoos.... rather than my broke, suddenly chubby, average self. I will never be good enough until I can be THAT girl....

Along with the other stresses in my life, I have worked myself into an unbearable depression over my appearance and crap life (even though I have it easy compared to much of the world - don't get me wrong, I do realize that!)....and every few days I have an emotional therapy session with myself. I grab a good book, a delightfully scented candle, make some bath salts and camp out in the tub (are you beginning to notice a pattern with me regarding bath-time?)... I lay there and try to reason with myself. And this is the conclusion that I come to.... I will NEVER be THAT girl. And as depressing  as that sounds, I am about to explain to you that there is hope to be found in that statement. Make it your personal mantra, ladies (and gents)!  Let me make some points and then expound on each thought...

  1. Enough is never going to be enough.
  2. The people I compare myself to...are simply people. 
  3. I need to love myself...but making improvements where needed is still healthy.
(1) There will always be someone out there prettier, edgier, more popular, better traveled, smarter, gothier (lots of those, it seems), richer, more talented, thinner....etc... Always. There will always be someone better. I will always feel the need to make myself better....and you probably will too! So even if someone else thinks you're THAT girl, you never truly will be. And if you think you are, everyone else secretly thinks you are an insufferable narcissist! That is the hard, but freeing, truth of it ;)

(2) We make these people out to be super-people or celebrities with amazing lives that we could never hope to lead. The actual rich and famous of the world may have such luxuries... but the tumblr elite do not! (Nor the Facebook, blogspot, deviantArt, etc) In most cases, these people are normal folks with normal insecurities....and those insecurities or in some instances, delusions of grandeur, have led them to spend the majority of their lives sitting in front of a computer uploading countless (almost professionally photoshopped at this point in the game) pictures of themselves and working around the clock to set up this illusion of glamour. They WANT you to believe that they are something to be envied or strived-for though the thought of someone copying them is terrifying (as will be demonstrated if you watch them long enough)...they want you to think that they are the expert, the extreme and that they live a life of artistic/poetic luxury. When the awful truth is, they have wasted much of their life. This very post may cause some anger if anyone bothers to read to this point....but its important to let that sink into your head because once you do, you can test it for yourself and know it to be correct. Now.... Do not misunderstand what I said to be hatred towards the elite.... I don't hate them. I just have to remind myself on a regular basis that they are indeed human. And I still admire many of them for their unique style and interests... I am a firm believer in "Don't Hate, Appreciate".....when I see a gorgeous woman or someone who with great hair/style, I tell them! I don't sit there and fume, trying to pick them apart to find their flaws and make myself feel better and I don't try to bash them.... I admire openly, either to them personally or to others. I just think that its very important not to put people too high on a pedestal or to allow them to make you feel like shit...which some will do, whether that is their intent or no. Just like any person, a compliment from you MAY make their day (unless they are a narcissistic arse-hole, in which case you shouldn't bother further contact/compliments as they are undeserving) and they probably spend much of their time comparing THEMSELVES to others (maybe even YOU!), thinking that THEY aren't good enough.

(3) There is nothing wrong with not being able to achieve your own ideal of perfection..... because there is always room for improvement in life. Keep striving to be better! But be healthy about it (I am talking to myself here as much as I am to you readers....I am very unhealthy when it comes to how I see myself).... Love yourself. Accept that while you may not be the best, you are still a person of worth! Find things about yourself that are pretty or cool. I'm sure there are at least a few that come to mind! Spend time loving yourself....and less comparing yourself to others or putting yourself down! If that means spending less time on tumblr or around people that make you feel insecure, do it! 

I know that lately I just feel like shit 24/7....I feel like the monster who ate the tiny girl that I used to be only a year ago..... its horrible. And no matter what I do, I can't shake that image. But I know that it is temporary...because I am willing and have been doing what it takes (and will continue to do so) to lose weight and feel better.... I am dieting and exercising (and about to look into metabolism shots) in order to lose this weight....I am looking for a job so that I can take care of myself and still afford the occasional fashion must-have.... I am learning to sew and do other crafty things so that I am able to not only make money, but have stylish things that are unique to me! What do you do to improve yourself? Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others or do others treat you like THAT girl? Feel free to discuss anything on the subject....just keep it polite <3


  1. I have a tendency to compare myself to others - often. But the truth is, I am uniquely me. There will never be another me, so why would I want to join the masses of fru-fru clones? I wouldn't! And I'm okay with that!

    As for depression, I have also dealt with this often. For myself, it is generally in a time when I have decided I can do things on my own, and forget that I have surrendered my life to following Christ. Granted, depression can be a real medical issue - but sometimes, if we dig deep enough, we will find that there is something that is causing it that can be fixed. :)

    Don't be so hard on yourself Audrey! Learn to be happy about the things you cannot change, and try to change the things you can!

    As for the weight stuff.... It would be a miracle if I make it through TurboFire without losing weight! I'm telling you, it's intense - and while it seems expensive at first, it's cheaper than a gym membership. :) Never hurts to check things out! Plus, they have a money back guarantee!

  2. You are right about that..that is the attitude that we all need to have. Why would I want to be someone else? Be yourself....but yes, love yourself while still striving to be better! I may look into TurboFire if things don't improve soon.... it does sound good! I just can't afford it until I get a job